The Vault Regulars

Friday, March 23, 2012

A Bum Rap!

Well yesterday was B day. That's B for Bum. This is my 3rd time i have had to have this hospital procedure to plug up the leak. It seems the duct tape didn't work too well and the cork was hard to replace. Cork trees are getting rare and the quality is porous.
So i had to go in and have lunch with a nice surgeon who said he'd done this op'n piles of times. I was not alone either, there were 3 of us on his menu and as it worked out i was last to go.
 I was a bit put off by this as we all know what happens when we get tired. Yes, that's right, we make mistakes. Just have a read of Stef's procedure Here if you are brave enough, and this was going through my mind most of the time.
 I had been told to check in at 12.20pm but i arrived 10 minutes early and was quite surprised when i was immediately shown to a lovely room and told to watch TV if i cared to and then i ordered evening meal. I was even called SIR! I said to the lady why do i need to order a meal i don't think i will be here that long.
Ha! She said. Order it and then if you have gone i will eat it. Hm i thought. Doesn't sound promising.
 So after 1/2 an hour a nurse came and asked if i had taken the bowel loosening medicine yesterday. What medicine i replied, even though i thought it strange that i hadn't received any. Oh well she replied, that's an enema then, i will be back. Shit i thought!  Well not exactly but you can guess what i mean.
 So half an hour later, i was in desperate need to open the hatch doors and let Moses escape. OMG if you have never had an enema you should have one just for the fun of it, and the muscle contractions and the searing pain of course and the bruised cheeks with nail marks in them.
 Fun, i bet the nurses take bets on what minute you slam the loo door. I could just see them doing hi 5's and exchanging money.
 Then i was told there was a delay, it seems that in surgery it was not going too well for one of the other 2 guys. It was a long delay. Maybe they couldn't find the cork or something.
 Eventually and 130 pages of my book later, they come for me, trolley all prepared and i was wired for sound. I tried cracking a few jokes with the anesthetist and the nurses but they were having non of it. My jokes were falling on deaf ears. They were having a bad day.
 I lay back and closed my eyes as the needle went in and then they injected me with a large Gin.
So there i was back in my suite wearing these lovely paper pants and gown and chatting to Sheila when a lovely lady brought me my evening meal. It was 7.30 ish. It was fab, Jacket potato, beans, cheese, mixed salad with dressing followed by Orange drizzle cake and a pot of fresh ground coffee. Sheila was starving so i had to share it, but i didn't mind honest.

 At about 9.00pm, fed, watered and disemboweled i was given the "all clear" to leave the building. I was in some pain and not completely clear of the anesthetic but i hopped and skipped down the passageway and bid farewell to the staff.
 With paracetamol in hand we headed home.
 Stef, i am fine. No drama's. Phew.


Mike Knipe said...

They didn't do the thing with the daffodil did they? (Not that you would be aware.....)
Mike (Ex NHS...)

BG! said...

Glad to read that you feel fine, hope it lasts. No probs with the sponge bung, or didn't they fit you with one?

FWIW, 3 weeks ago I went back for a check-up, the consultant said it was imperative for him to shove an endoscope up mine within 2 weeks and marked the paperwork as "urgent". Needless to say, it didn't happen - after 2 weeks without said appointment I phoned the hospital and they had no idea what I was on about. Eventually they found the paperwork sitting in the in-tray, nobody had dealt with it. By then, the next available endo slot was... April 23rd. 2 weeks my arse, try nearly 8!

Nice to see that you got a decent meal after your op, Alan. The Leicester cheapskates could only muster some tepid machine-tea and a couple of slices of toast.

Fed up with my moaning yet???

AlanR said...

Mike, (Ex NHS) I never noticed a daffodil. I’m sure you will tell me all about it. There might have been a bit of a leek somewhere.

AlanR said...

Flippin eck BG you have had it rough.

My meal also had a starter course but i didn’t take up the option. Very impressed with the service.

It’s not moaning, it’s life, and it’s good to post so that you can laugh about it later.

BG! said...

A starter course? That's just rubbing it in.

afootinthehills said...

All sounds horrific - but all the best Alan.

AlanR said...

Hi Gibson,
It’s horrible what BG went through and i am just glad my op’s have been pretty good in comparison. Touch Wood.
Not something you would normally find on my blog and not something many people own up to. But it’s life.

Robin said...

Best wishes for a speedy recovery

AlanR said...

Thanks Robin,

Anonymous said...

There's a homeopathic alternative now - a fern with laxative properties has been discovered; and with fronds like that who needs enemas.

I'm sorry; I'm already getting my coat.

-maria- said...

I wish you a speedy recovery, Alan! Looks like a nice meal, especially taking into account that it was a hospital meal.

AlanR said...

The saying goes:- The old ones are the best! The jokes that is.
Thanks, it still brought a smile.

AlanR said...

That’s kind Maria.
I’m glad the insurance was paying. I know the room alone was £325 for the day. That’s without the surgeons and anaesthetist fees.

Alan Sloman said...

oooh, nasty.
Glad that it seems to be okay now. I know what you mean about sitting there and waiting your turn - you just know they will screw it up. They finally operated on my barbed wire torn finger at nearly midnight!

Not good...

AlanR said...

Hi Alan,
Well they were a bit stressed out when it came to my turn but i must say that maybe the no nonsense approach worked because i have no problems. It’s just a bit painful when you go to the loo but thats what you would expect. I hope in 10 days that everything will have healed and i will be back to normal.
I went for a short,easy walk yesterday, 3 miles and it was ok.

They probably had to wait for a good seamstress to sober up before they did you.

Andrew W said...

Glad you're at least back out after a day procedure, even if it was delayed.
Having had 2 knee operations (one delayed by 4 hours), and 3 hernia operations since 2007, I know what it is like, and you are right with the price.

Thank God for insurance.

Let's hope the plumbing job is better than the one that was done in our bathroom.
Flooded the downstairs the next day.

Getting old.
It's a bugger!

Andrew W said...

Just saw your meal.

I only got a round of sandwiches :(

AlanR said...

Well Andrew, so far so good, touch wood and all that.
With the weather being so good i am so frustrated at missing opportunities to get out but i have had this problem that long i need to take it easy and make sure it heals properly.

The meal was far better than i expected and no complaints.
Aye, getting old comes to all of us. Accepting your getting old is when the problems start.

Phreerunner said...

Good to hear that it all went well as could be expected, Alan. Hope you get back to normal quickly.

AlanR said...

Thanks Martin, Doc says 7-14 days so i am hoping 10.

Unknown said...

Can't believe I read all that whilst having my morning cup of tea (or at any other time come to think of it); pure predjudice and squeamishness on my part - sorry. And then I was very annoyed with myself for laughing out loud given the discomfort you've been through. What a brave, funny, informative, excellent etc read. Thank you.

I'll resist the puns as a mild punishment for myself. And I wish you a very speedy recovery.



AlanR said...

Thanks Brian,
I wrote it to be laughed at. So i am happy it made you laugh.
Yes it can be very painful at times and hopefully, fingers crossed and everything else.
This will be the last time i need to go in.

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